Border crossing from Houay Xai, Thailand to Laos. Two day slow boat down the Mekong River to Luang Prabaung, February 17 -21, 2010

We were not happy campers, let me just begin by saying at least that. We heard so many lovely things about Laos and the wonderful Laoation people, like: "No one will try to scam you in Laos, it's not like Thailand", and " The Lao people are so friendly and honest. . . " Blah, blah, freaking blah!!! I truly believe these claims, however, the first 48 hours we spent in Laos were filled with nothing but scams, bullshit, and more scams. Oh, we were very unhappy indeed, and incredibly dissapointed. Let me explain. . .

When we inquired about booking a boat trip to Luang Prabang they warned us that the water was low and a speed boat was just too dangerous. Therefore, the only other option would be to take a "two day slow boat" trip down the Mekong. (Scam 1) Fair enough, that sounded interesting and was surely something we have never done before. They explained that the boat was very safe and would never travel with more than 80 passengers. Sure, sure. . .

After a four hour bus ride our guide took us to the border crossing and immediately to a "my shop". For those of you who don't know what a "my shop" is, it's a place where locals take you to try to scam you, or just plain rip you off in some way or another. He explained to us that we were to travel nine hours on the boat the first day, then stop at a city and stay overnight. Then wake up early and travel twelve more hours on a boat the next day. He told us we were responsible for booking our own accomodation for that night and recommended that we do so through him because the guesthouses fill up quickly. . . "you wouldn't want to be stranded without a place to stay", is what he claimed. Ok, so we booked through him. (Scam 2) He then let us in on a little secret. . . "the locals will try to scam you if you don't have the Laos money (Kip), so I can exchange your money here if you like, so you don't get scammed, of course". We changed over our money with him for a rate so pitifull that I'm not even going to tell you what the exchange rate was (Scam 3). Now I must say in our defense that we usually don't fall for these types of scams but we were exhausted and eager to be on our way. . .

After a ridiculous and severely unorganized three hour ordeal at the border we were finally ready to go.  We jumped on the longtail boat, the one that is supposed to have a maximum of 80 passengers, and were in complete and total shock at what we saw. There were at least 200 stinky, sweaty, outraged tourists on this rickety-ass boat. There was nowhere to sit, let alone think about how horribly uncomfortable this ride was going to be.

Immediately a group of about 25 people started complaining to the captain about the deplorable conditoions of the boat, and the safety concerns that we all had. Everyone was shouting in fits of rage and many people started demanding that they take another boat. As this was going on the captain just started the engine and left the dock. "Sit down, we are leaving now" he calmly stated. I guess that was that.

The ride was scary at times (like when we hit rocks or scraped the bottom), but mostly beautiful and very calm. I tried not to go to the bathroom because there was about an inch of pee and poo slosh on the floor, no toilet paper, no sink, and no lock on the door. It was horrific. Luckily I was distacted by the serenity of the Mekong.

We were relaxing and starting to have a really enjoyable time when Brad and I caught a glimpse of a few locals trying to steal stuff out of the bags up front. They saw us watching and froze, but we both saw one of them steal an IPod out of someone travellers bag. We were unable to prove that they took anything and didn't want to cause any trouble, but we continued to watch them like hawks the rest of the journey.

  I felt the presense of someone watching me. I looked over and these two lovely children were smiling at me. The little girl got up about six inches from my face and would not stop staring at me. I gave her a bananna. She smiled and then pointed at the seat cushion that I puchased for the ride. I gave her the cushion. She pointed at Brad's cushion. I made him give it to her. She then smiled so sweetly and held out her hand for money. Enough is enough already!!!! She was playing me the whole time!! I tried to give her Kip, but she only wanted US dollars. What the fu*k?

I wasn't about to give her anything else but she kept staring at me, so I gave her another bananna.

As we cruised down the Mekong at a leisurely pace we saw heaps of children playing in the water and waving at us. They are so adorable!

Just a glimpse. . . kinda like "Where's Waldo", only it's "Where's Sam?"

These are the lovely boats that we were to spend oh so many hours aboard. Looks like fun doesn't it?!

So here's where the fun really begins.

We are chugging along the river when the boat comes to an abrupt stop at the river bed. The captain just points at the beach. Everyone on the boat was tired and grumpy and we didn't want to stop when we were only an hour away from our stop for the night. We thought we were taking a break of some sort but then  I saw the captains face and the reality of what was happening sank in. We weren't going any further.

Everyone was confused and not really sure of what was happening. The captain explained that the river was too low and the boat could not go any further, so we had to sleep here. What???? On the beach in the middle of nowhere??? In the jungle with snakes and creepy bugs, and who know's what else??? The outrage from the passengers was insane and one Aussie even threatened to light the boat on fire if we didn't get moving. We truly were in the middle of nowhere. They wanted us to sleep on the beach. We had no blankets, pillows, tents, or mosquito nets. We were in a very high risk Malaria area and they want us to sleep outside. . . WTF???!!! (Scam 4)

We quickly realized that this was actually happening and thought that if life gives you lemons. . . you make lemonade!!! But Sabai Sabai. . . so what if they scammed us out of our money for the accomodation. . . we have the Mekong, a few BeerLao, and a bunch of new friends!

Chris, one of those "new friends" offered us some 100% Deet that will rot our skin and hopefuuly ward of the Malaria mosquitos. . . he even offered to carry my  bag. . . how sweet.

 

The whole thing was one giant scam. They knew before we even left that the boat wouldn't be going all the way. . . it hasn't for months. They get you right where they want you: tired, exausted, thirsty, and famished, then they rip you off beyond belief. It just so happened that there were ladies already set up to sell us overpriced food and drinks when the boat docked on the beach. How convienient. They even had the audacity to try to sell us blankets and pillows!!!!! No way was I going to pay for that! We "borrowed" some from them when they weren't looking. Take that scammers!

 

It was a rough night, I'm not going to lie. We snuck on the boat and slept on the freezing cold floor. Yup. The nasty, disgusting floor. Better than sleeping on the beach where a local man kept trying to sell everyone Opium. He was high on the stuff and really gave us the creeps.

 

The best part of the story happened at 5:30 am the next morning. We were startled awake by a man screaming "Let's Go!!!" I was thinking let's go where? We were forced to hike about 3km (about 1.5 miles) with our bags, in the sand, uphill, over the beach, and through the jungle. Really. . .  Really? When we finally arrived we were greeted by plenty of "my shops" that somehow miraculously appeared overnight to sell us some more overpriced food. Awesome. (Scam 5)

 

We were just happy to be on our way to Luang Prabang and to get off that freaking beach. We only made one stop that morning to pick up some locals, and when we did one of the guys on our boat jumped off to grab something to eat. . .just for a minute. The boat started to pull away and we kept sreaming that we were leaving someone behind, but the captain left anyway. We left that poor guy behind and he ended up having to hire a speed boat for $50 USD just to catch up with us. This is really starting to become ridiculous people.

Alas, after 13 hours on the boat we reached Luang Prabang. What a delightfully bewitching city! All of the previous days' troubles were quickly washed away with the fisrt BeerLao, and we were ready for the next part of the adventure.

 

After a great nights sleep (the only accomodation we could find had one twin bed, which we somehow both fit on), we decided to explore the enchanting Wats and temples.

 

 I want to be clear that the entire scam that we experienced was NOT an example of what the people of Laos are like. In fact, they are warm, friendly, honest and kind and we truly enjoyed their company.

 

Wat Xien Thong was my favorite Wat of the entire trip. While all Wats are unique and special in there own way, this one was just so beautiful. The details of the mosaics on the temples and the variety of Buddhas was incredible.

 

 It is such an amazing feeling to be inside such a spiritual place and both Brad and I pay our respects whenever we enter a Wat.

 

After a full day of exploration it was time for some delicious food and a BeerLao or two. . .

Ducky is into the spicy food these days. . . just like us! And he could sure use a bath, also, just like us!

We ran into some people that we met on the slow boat and they convinced us that we should go to a local night club with them. . . little did we know that we were about to form "The Crew" that we would travel with for days, and have the time of our lives with. . .

"The Crew" consists of ten spectacular and crazy individuals. Here we have James the Aussie "Monkey Boy" on the left, and Mario "Teetotaller" on the right of Brad

 

James and I figured we would try our hand at dancing "Laos Style"

Ah, Sat "Cradle robbing kissing bandit minx" and B-rad at the Disco.

Sat is from London and we are already planning a trip to see her. She is so beautiful and we became great friends over the days. . .

 

James is only a baby. . .he's 20 and I think he was surprised that the "old people" (us) could party with such young bucks!

And then there's "Broom Man" Mika from Germany. What a character he is. Need I tell you he has a broom fetish?

Don't even get me started on "Rave the Dave". There will be plenty of him in the next blog! 

We had such a blast in Luang Prabang, thanks to all of our new buds. The best part. . . this was only the beginning! Stay tuned. . .  the next blog will blow your socks off!

Love from "slow boat" capital of the world- Sam and Brad

HUH??? Who is it??



 

Ayuthaya, Sukhothai, Chiang Mai, Pai, and Chiang Rai, Thailand February 2- 17, 2010

After all of the Bangkok shenanigans we headed north to the sleepy little town of Ayuthaya to check out the antiquated ruins, sacred temples, and Wats. The ancient capital of Thailand, Ayuthaya used to be a major port and a superior trading powerhouse, but the city was unfortunately completely ransacked by the Burmese army in 1767, leaving only fragments of the once magnificent city.

What was once filled with exquisite palaces overflowing with treasures and brilliant temples celebrating worship, now remains a distant and mysterious memory. Ssshhhhh. . .  if you close your eyes and listen closely, you can see the bustling city and hear the chants of the monks whispering within the temple walls. Ayuthaya is spectacular to see, and we were lucky enough to catch the most fantastic ruins at sunset, leaving a mystical feeling to the day.

Ducky even got involved and chatted up a monk just outside the temple walls. 

We were so impressed with Ayuthaya, we decided to head north to Sukhothai, another ancient city loaded with historical sites and beautiful gardens. Brad and I have been to Sukhothai before and we both agreed that the best way to experience the ruins is by bicycle. Easy enough right? Guess again. . . When we explained this to our lovely travel companion Munah, she just stared at us with a blank expression on her face. She wearily sighed and said “ Um, guys, I don’t know how to ride a bike.” I replied “ No, Munah, I know you don’t know how to drive a moped, we will be riding bicycles, not scooters. . silly ”. She then went flush and that’s when I realized that she truly didn’t know how to ride a bicycle. Wow. What do you say to that? What else is there to say. . . “ Um. . . Let’s teach you!!!”

 

First, I would like to explain that Munah is a champ, she did better than anyone could have expected for her first time on a bike since she was six years old. However, there is much more to riding a bike than meets the eye. . . like stopping, and steering, and oh, peddling. She gave it a valiant effort but eventually decided that the best way for her to experience the ruins would be on the back of my bike! Go Team Customer! What a blast that was!

 

After a few days of “Watting” around who wouldn’t want to chill out and have some dinner at Poo Restaurant? Yummy. I’ll take the Poo covered snake bits please.

 Seriously this place was so delicious we ate there twice. Good times. Lot’s o’ Chang Beer, and plenty of Poo to go around! Enough of the ruins, let’s go to Chiang Mai!

 Since we all love Thai food so much we agreed that we should take a Thai cooking class so we can impress all of you when we come home. We opted for the full day course in Chiang Mai at a charming little place called “Baan Thai“. “Baan” lierally means "home" in Thai, and that’s exactly how we felt there. . . Right at home!

 We received the warmest welcome from these two little boys who were playing in the street. They kept smiling and saying “Sawatdee- Kap!”(Hello), which we happily replied “Sawatdee-Ka” to you!!

Thai cooking isn’t as complicated as it seems, however there are a few special ingredients that are a necessary staple in most of Thai dishes. Of course I’m not going to tell you what they are because that would give away all of the secrets that we paid a pretty penny for. However, I will say that we needed to go to the market to pick out the freshest produce and spices to start the day. No need to worry. . .no “Black Magic”(a.k.a MSG) was used in the making of any of our dishes! 

The spice man was my favorite person at the market. How cute is he?

 

They gave us menus and allowed us to choose 5 meals we would like to learn how to prepare.We all selected different dishes so we could enhance our Thai cooking experience with variety. . . but mostly so we could share the finished dishes!

 My little honey the chef! Brad’s “Chiang Mai Noodles” was the winning dish of the day! His dish was by far the favorite.. . so freaking delicious my mouth is watering just thinking about it. Go Brad!

Munah could have had a close second but she decreed that she would like to see what Pad Thai would taste like with a shit ton of shrimp paste in it. Not good. Not good at all Munah. Actually. . .borderline disgusting. But who’s keeping tabs anyway? Hehehe

 

What a wonderful experience "Baan Thai" was. We truly learned so much and can't wait to have a Thai dinner party as soon as we get home. All of you are invited, just bring some SangSum and youre in!

 

Random, but totally Pinky's.

 

You already know that we sometimes fancy a nice cold beer, so it will come as no surprise when I say that we deemed it necessary to show Munah a bit of the nightlife Chiang Mai has to offer. We settled on a Muay Thai fight to start off the festivities. The fighters actually came around after the fight and asked for tips. With mugs like that who could refuse? We were then off to a few “Lady Boy” Bars to challenge the local Lady Boys to Connect Four and Jenga.

Oh how I love me some Jenga! Sorry Brad, but I royally kicked your arse at Jenga, and I will forever remain Jenga Champion at the “Lady Boy” Bars in Thailand. I know it’s not that great of a title, but it’s mine. . . all mine! 

Feeling woozy, boozy, and like a bunch of floozies (hehe), we realized that we forgot to eat dinner. . .or did we? Who knows but it was time for a snack. I ordered Pad Thai from a local street cart and the woman promptly jumped on her scooter and drove away. Huh? We assumed that she needed to get some ingredients but that didn’t stop us from using her cart to cook up a lil’ something for ourselves. . .  now that we are pro's and all! We added tons of Black Magic and it was delicious! She wasn’t even mad when she came back. Only slightly confused, oops!

 Totally random, but totally cute.

 Totally random, but totally Scholl.

 

We spent six lovely days in Chiang Mai. Each day was filled with amazing food, awesome experiences, and plenty of spa treatments. Feeling pampered, cultured, and ultimately relaxed we realized that is was time to brave the imfamous "Road to Pai" with it's "762" curves. . . and get the heck out of dodge.

I get motion sickness. Alot. All the time. It's an annoying problem but usually Dramamine does the trick. Usually. The road to Pai truly does have 762 hair bend turns and everyone on the bus was sick. It was a gruelling four hour crawl through the mountains and when we finally reached Pai the only thing we could say was" Thank God we will never have to do that again!!". . . Little did we know. . . We were soooo wrong.

    Pai is about as charming a city that there is. It has a bohemian vibe, lots of hippies, great coffee, plenty to see and do, and our favorite: the women making hammocks. Such intricate detail, such patience. All of the hammocks are hand woven and we were so intrigued to watch them work. . . maybe we even bought a few as gifts. . .who knows??

We rented mopeds and cruised around the area to a local waterfall, a serene canyon, and an old WW2 bridge.It was the day before the Chinese New Year so we headed to a local Chinese village and were were shocked to see the adventures that awaited our wary souls there!

From the distance we could see what faintly resembeled a Ferris Wheel.  Upon closer examination we realized that it was actually a Ferris wheel, just not the likes of any we have ever seen. This contraption, I will call it for lack of a better word, was scarier than hell. It's made out of wood, yes wood, man-powered, yes man-powered Ferris Wheel. What is going on???? We just looked to our own personal braveheart Munah and said "You in??" She claimed that she wouldn't miss it for anything. She was all spunky and chivalrous until she got on and the thing was rickety and crickety. The guys were spinning them round and round like a bunch of coffee crazed carnie workers! She screamed, we laughed. She screamed louder, we laughed harder. It was awesome.

 

 Next up was archery. I nailed my target with all of 5 of my shots. . . in the neck, head and genital region. Apparantly, I'm not someone to be messed with.

Sad to leave the entertainment of the Chinese Village, but the canyon awaited us. Wow. Pretty amazing. 

Hi, my name is Sam, and I'm a dork.

The fun in Pai really begins after sunset. We met up with a group of other travellers and had a fabulous dinner, exquisite box wine, and tons of laughs.We drank to escape the reality of what awaited us at our guesthouse.

 Our guesthouse (we called it slum house), was as about as nasty as they come. We have stayed in the worst of the worst, and this one definitely fits into that category. I will only say these few briefs things about it( I don't want you puking or anything): 1) Lonely Planet needs to get their head out of their arse. 2) There was something that looked like blood or poop all over my blanket in the room.3) Bed bugs, bed bugs, and yes, more bed bugs 4) Mosquitos that seemed to be nesting in the stagant water on my bathroom floor 5) Need I say more?This is a picture of us showing Mr. Jans what we think about his slum house.

 Random, but totally puppy.

OK, here is the irony of the story. It's quite circular actually, let me explain. . . . When we arrived in Pai we were so exausted and sick from the heinous drive we just took the first guesthouse we could find. . . no questions asked. When we realized that a grave mistake had been made on our part, we decided that we would drink away our sorrows each night to help us deal with the disgustingness of where we were to sleep. The last night we celebrated the fact that we were leaving the next day to Chiang Rai. "No more creepy guesthouses", we chanted as we drank glass after glass. . . after glass of box wine. The next morning when the alarm went off at 5:45 am, our heads were spinning, yet we couldn't be happier to leave. The bus ride to Chiang Rai can't be that long, it's just over the mountain right???? Right??? When we arrived at the bus stop where we purchased our tickets the man screamed "get on. . . you're late, the bus almost left to Chiang Mai without you!"

"Um, excuse me sir, what did you say? We are going to Chang Rai, just over the mountain, we are certainly not going back to Chiang Mai". He replied in an irratated tone" Mam, bus no go to Chiang Rai from here. All buses go back to Chiang Mai, then you get bus from there to Chiang Rai"

"What!!!!!???? Are you serious???" For the love of God someone please help me. The thought of driving the freaking road with 762 curves, hungover as all hell, made my stomach turn and my eyes fill with tears. "Sir, excuse me. . .are you sure this is the only way to get to Chiang Rai from here?" He just looked at me and said "get on, we're leaving." Team Customer stared at each other with despair and disbelief. Is this is really happening? Yup. It is. It did. I threw up in a bag almost the entire 4 hour drive back to Chiang Mai. Where we then waited for 1 hour for our next 4 hour bus to Chiang Rai. It was horrendous and everytime I think of it I feel bad for those poor souls on the bus who had to smell the booze as we sweated it out whilst puking our brains out the whole way. Sorry people. Really sorry. We eventually made it to Chiang Rai, but our bodies didn't seem to want to do anything but sleep . . .

 

We only spent a day in Chiang Rai, as it was the last day of the trip for Munah. We visited the White Wat, designed by a Thai artist. It is a work in progress and he hopes to be finished with the 9 structures by 2070. It seems like an eternity but once you step foot inside you understand the magnitude of his project. Simply amazing, and creepy too.

 These hands are at the entrance of the first Wat in the complex. They eerily await you . .

Ducky was to scared to enter the creepy Wat so he stayed back and tried to make some tips by singing "Rubber Ducky, you're the one. . . " It didn't seem to work since the Thai Duckies only speak Thai, but Sabai Sabai. . . We are now ready to go to Laos!!! 

We would just like to thank Munah for her patience, understanding, and great travel vibe. We had a blast and Team Customer will certainly miss you!!!! Safe travels back home Munah!

Love from the home of the "road with 762 hair pin turns", Team Customer