Border crossing from Houay Xai, Thailand to Laos. Two day slow boat down the Mekong River to Luang Prabaung, February 17 -21, 2010

We were not happy campers, let me just begin by saying at least that. We heard so many lovely things about Laos and the wonderful Laoation people, like: "No one will try to scam you in Laos, it's not like Thailand", and " The Lao people are so friendly and honest. . . " Blah, blah, freaking blah!!! I truly believe these claims, however, the first 48 hours we spent in Laos were filled with nothing but scams, bullshit, and more scams. Oh, we were very unhappy indeed, and incredibly dissapointed. Let me explain. . .

When we inquired about booking a boat trip to Luang Prabang they warned us that the water was low and a speed boat was just too dangerous. Therefore, the only other option would be to take a "two day slow boat" trip down the Mekong. (Scam 1) Fair enough, that sounded interesting and was surely something we have never done before. They explained that the boat was very safe and would never travel with more than 80 passengers. Sure, sure. . .

After a four hour bus ride our guide took us to the border crossing and immediately to a "my shop". For those of you who don't know what a "my shop" is, it's a place where locals take you to try to scam you, or just plain rip you off in some way or another. He explained to us that we were to travel nine hours on the boat the first day, then stop at a city and stay overnight. Then wake up early and travel twelve more hours on a boat the next day. He told us we were responsible for booking our own accomodation for that night and recommended that we do so through him because the guesthouses fill up quickly. . . "you wouldn't want to be stranded without a place to stay", is what he claimed. Ok, so we booked through him. (Scam 2) He then let us in on a little secret. . . "the locals will try to scam you if you don't have the Laos money (Kip), so I can exchange your money here if you like, so you don't get scammed, of course". We changed over our money with him for a rate so pitifull that I'm not even going to tell you what the exchange rate was (Scam 3). Now I must say in our defense that we usually don't fall for these types of scams but we were exhausted and eager to be on our way. . .

After a ridiculous and severely unorganized three hour ordeal at the border we were finally ready to go.  We jumped on the longtail boat, the one that is supposed to have a maximum of 80 passengers, and were in complete and total shock at what we saw. There were at least 200 stinky, sweaty, outraged tourists on this rickety-ass boat. There was nowhere to sit, let alone think about how horribly uncomfortable this ride was going to be.

Immediately a group of about 25 people started complaining to the captain about the deplorable conditoions of the boat, and the safety concerns that we all had. Everyone was shouting in fits of rage and many people started demanding that they take another boat. As this was going on the captain just started the engine and left the dock. "Sit down, we are leaving now" he calmly stated. I guess that was that.

The ride was scary at times (like when we hit rocks or scraped the bottom), but mostly beautiful and very calm. I tried not to go to the bathroom because there was about an inch of pee and poo slosh on the floor, no toilet paper, no sink, and no lock on the door. It was horrific. Luckily I was distacted by the serenity of the Mekong.

We were relaxing and starting to have a really enjoyable time when Brad and I caught a glimpse of a few locals trying to steal stuff out of the bags up front. They saw us watching and froze, but we both saw one of them steal an IPod out of someone travellers bag. We were unable to prove that they took anything and didn't want to cause any trouble, but we continued to watch them like hawks the rest of the journey.

  I felt the presense of someone watching me. I looked over and these two lovely children were smiling at me. The little girl got up about six inches from my face and would not stop staring at me. I gave her a bananna. She smiled and then pointed at the seat cushion that I puchased for the ride. I gave her the cushion. She pointed at Brad's cushion. I made him give it to her. She then smiled so sweetly and held out her hand for money. Enough is enough already!!!! She was playing me the whole time!! I tried to give her Kip, but she only wanted US dollars. What the fu*k?

I wasn't about to give her anything else but she kept staring at me, so I gave her another bananna.

As we cruised down the Mekong at a leisurely pace we saw heaps of children playing in the water and waving at us. They are so adorable!

Just a glimpse. . . kinda like "Where's Waldo", only it's "Where's Sam?"

These are the lovely boats that we were to spend oh so many hours aboard. Looks like fun doesn't it?!

So here's where the fun really begins.

We are chugging along the river when the boat comes to an abrupt stop at the river bed. The captain just points at the beach. Everyone on the boat was tired and grumpy and we didn't want to stop when we were only an hour away from our stop for the night. We thought we were taking a break of some sort but then  I saw the captains face and the reality of what was happening sank in. We weren't going any further.

Everyone was confused and not really sure of what was happening. The captain explained that the river was too low and the boat could not go any further, so we had to sleep here. What???? On the beach in the middle of nowhere??? In the jungle with snakes and creepy bugs, and who know's what else??? The outrage from the passengers was insane and one Aussie even threatened to light the boat on fire if we didn't get moving. We truly were in the middle of nowhere. They wanted us to sleep on the beach. We had no blankets, pillows, tents, or mosquito nets. We were in a very high risk Malaria area and they want us to sleep outside. . . WTF???!!! (Scam 4)

We quickly realized that this was actually happening and thought that if life gives you lemons. . . you make lemonade!!! But Sabai Sabai. . . so what if they scammed us out of our money for the accomodation. . . we have the Mekong, a few BeerLao, and a bunch of new friends!

Chris, one of those "new friends" offered us some 100% Deet that will rot our skin and hopefuuly ward of the Malaria mosquitos. . . he even offered to carry my  bag. . . how sweet.

 

The whole thing was one giant scam. They knew before we even left that the boat wouldn't be going all the way. . . it hasn't for months. They get you right where they want you: tired, exausted, thirsty, and famished, then they rip you off beyond belief. It just so happened that there were ladies already set up to sell us overpriced food and drinks when the boat docked on the beach. How convienient. They even had the audacity to try to sell us blankets and pillows!!!!! No way was I going to pay for that! We "borrowed" some from them when they weren't looking. Take that scammers!

 

It was a rough night, I'm not going to lie. We snuck on the boat and slept on the freezing cold floor. Yup. The nasty, disgusting floor. Better than sleeping on the beach where a local man kept trying to sell everyone Opium. He was high on the stuff and really gave us the creeps.

 

The best part of the story happened at 5:30 am the next morning. We were startled awake by a man screaming "Let's Go!!!" I was thinking let's go where? We were forced to hike about 3km (about 1.5 miles) with our bags, in the sand, uphill, over the beach, and through the jungle. Really. . .  Really? When we finally arrived we were greeted by plenty of "my shops" that somehow miraculously appeared overnight to sell us some more overpriced food. Awesome. (Scam 5)

 

We were just happy to be on our way to Luang Prabang and to get off that freaking beach. We only made one stop that morning to pick up some locals, and when we did one of the guys on our boat jumped off to grab something to eat. . .just for a minute. The boat started to pull away and we kept sreaming that we were leaving someone behind, but the captain left anyway. We left that poor guy behind and he ended up having to hire a speed boat for $50 USD just to catch up with us. This is really starting to become ridiculous people.

Alas, after 13 hours on the boat we reached Luang Prabang. What a delightfully bewitching city! All of the previous days' troubles were quickly washed away with the fisrt BeerLao, and we were ready for the next part of the adventure.

 

After a great nights sleep (the only accomodation we could find had one twin bed, which we somehow both fit on), we decided to explore the enchanting Wats and temples.

 

 I want to be clear that the entire scam that we experienced was NOT an example of what the people of Laos are like. In fact, they are warm, friendly, honest and kind and we truly enjoyed their company.

 

Wat Xien Thong was my favorite Wat of the entire trip. While all Wats are unique and special in there own way, this one was just so beautiful. The details of the mosaics on the temples and the variety of Buddhas was incredible.

 

 It is such an amazing feeling to be inside such a spiritual place and both Brad and I pay our respects whenever we enter a Wat.

 

After a full day of exploration it was time for some delicious food and a BeerLao or two. . .

Ducky is into the spicy food these days. . . just like us! And he could sure use a bath, also, just like us!

We ran into some people that we met on the slow boat and they convinced us that we should go to a local night club with them. . . little did we know that we were about to form "The Crew" that we would travel with for days, and have the time of our lives with. . .

"The Crew" consists of ten spectacular and crazy individuals. Here we have James the Aussie "Monkey Boy" on the left, and Mario "Teetotaller" on the right of Brad

 

James and I figured we would try our hand at dancing "Laos Style"

Ah, Sat "Cradle robbing kissing bandit minx" and B-rad at the Disco.

Sat is from London and we are already planning a trip to see her. She is so beautiful and we became great friends over the days. . .

 

James is only a baby. . .he's 20 and I think he was surprised that the "old people" (us) could party with such young bucks!

And then there's "Broom Man" Mika from Germany. What a character he is. Need I tell you he has a broom fetish?

Don't even get me started on "Rave the Dave". There will be plenty of him in the next blog! 

We had such a blast in Luang Prabang, thanks to all of our new buds. The best part. . . this was only the beginning! Stay tuned. . .  the next blog will blow your socks off!

Love from "slow boat" capital of the world- Sam and Brad