The craziest thing happened...
After the heavy rains in Croatia we stumbled upon an Ouzo bottle that had been washed ashore by the heavy storms. Inside the bottle was a Pink bracelet with a map encoded on the back. It was an ancient treasure map of the Island of Corfu, Greece, and promised great pleasures and treasures to those who discovered it. We were excited because we were already on our way to Greece and figured that we had nothing to lose.
After decoding the message we learned that we were to start our journey at the Pink Panther Caberet at September 18 at exactly 19:00 hours. We almost missed our connecting ferry, but luckily a pikey crew member woke up Sam by caressing her arm and whispering"Ingomenista, Ingomenista..." She awoke, startled and creeped out, to say the least. Alas, thank goodness we made our connection.
Through the mist, a magical island materialized before our very eyes and we were overcome by its beauty. Rolling green mountains, exotic animals, an abundance of wasps, and the sweet sounds of the Sirens luring us ashore seemed like a dream.
Upon arrival we were greeted by a toothlees alcoholic blonde Chav who screemed "Yamos" and forced us to drink some of her Pink Poison. She claimed that it would lower our inibitions just enough so that we would later claim"What happens at the Pink Panther...stays at the Pink Panther"...She was right.
Our luggage was thrown into a bat infested cave, and we were told we could only retrieve it after we signed up for the "Booze Cruise", or ate fried eggs covered in wasp dung. After seeing people with broken bones, STD's, bloody stitches, all while boasting stories that were to X rated to comprehend...we opted for the fried eggs. As we feasted upon the wasp dung eggs we noticed that we were not the only ones who adorned a Pink bracelet. This disturbed us and the competion began.
We raced to the luxury jacuzzi for some "Sam and Brad" brainstorming. We pushed the bubble button but only pink ouzo started flowing out..Are they trying to get us intoxicated or something? We ran for the beach but they tried to charge us an exit fee. Zut Alors!!!! A beautiful merdog( kinda like a mermaid, only a dog) named Laura helped us escape the debachery of the Pink Panther, but only for a moment...
After sunning, swimming, and sipping on beers, we built up an apetite so huge we actually decided to go back to the mortifying, unwelcoming, horrific Pink Panther to redeem our three course meal coupon.(All at one time...whatever) That was our best decision yet.
At dinner we were placed with other Pink Bracelet holders and were told not to speak to eachother. The rules were strict so we started to secretly use hand signs and body language to conspire with the others. We held a secret meeting outside and created a private club called the "Pink Panther Gang", and decided to join forces to locate the hedonistic treasure.
There were 6 of us total, three couples. The first couple consited of "Eddie", a photographer for the National Enquirer/ flowy white shirt lover/ hussler/pharmacist , and "Annie" an ancient Myan ruins tour guide/ Yoga instructer/amature nude sunbather. The next couple, "Leon", a professional fictious journal writer/ gentelman's lunch coordinater/ drummer for the band "Topless Croations", and "Kelly", a beautiful scuba diver extrodinaire/person who loves to "wee in the sea"/body surfer. And of course us. "Sasha", a loud mouthed, feminist, sociologist/ vegetarian/Olympic swimmer/adrenaline junkie, and "Buster", a shy mixologist who "loves to eat whole organic chickens"/ Ninja/stuntman.
After a brief and friendly introduction, we were off to the dance floor to walk on hands, roll on floors,take off tops, sip on endless Red Hot shooters and hazelnut cocktails, fall off bar stools, and ...let's just say the rest is better described as " What happens at the Pink Panther, stays at the Pink Panther.
Day 2
After discussing the previous nights' adventures, we decided the best way to find the treasure was to explore the island on 4 wheelers. Winding roads, breathtaking beaches, rotisserie animal massacres ( those poor, poor animals!), and stunning topography enhanced our journey, well, all but the animal massacre that is.. we felt as we were getting closer to the treasure but something was missing....it was Kelly. Where had she gone??? Oh no!!!!!!, the pirates have taken her to Monkey Hell!!!!!!!!!
In our desparate search to find Kelly we realized that the only way to Monkey Hell was to swim across the treacherous petruding mounds of live sea creatures, while they lurked in the darkness below waiting to bite your feet as you swim by. We all opted for the special Italian made snorkels, all but Leon that is. His mask immediately started to leak, and he started to cry. His eyes were burning so Eddie whipped out a zip lock bag filled with presents, one of them being medicine to help deal with the pains of travelling.
We got to Monkey Hell and it was out of control. There were scorpions, monsters, flying pink Ouzo breathing monkeys, fire everywhere, and crazy pirates wearing nothing but pink speedos chanting tunes from the Buthole Surfers, all while dancing ceremoniously around Kelly. It was our duty to save her and return to our gang. But how?
We suddenly realized that our Pink bracelets were the source of all evil. We ripped them from our tan bodies and threw them in the fire. In an insant there was peace and the pirates melted into the disgusting pinkness that they had created. We were sad that the treasure was nowhere to be found, but were happy that Kelly was safe.
Later that night, over incense, ouzo, sweet wine, music (thanks Eddie), pranks, stories and tons of laughter, we realized that we had actually found the treasure after all...eachother.