Romantic evening out in Mumbai. What a lovely treat!
Being silly as usual at the Taj Mahal...aren't we hot?
No explanation needed.
Low and behold we found Chopatti Beach in Mumbai, so clean and nice...chuckle chuckle, single tear.
Brad's carnival ride, you'll read about it in the blog!
My friend, he likes you.
Thank goodness we found some clean water to drink, we were getting thirty.

INDIA UNRATED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here are some tales, experiences and situations that depict the harsh( funny) conditions and realities we experienced in India. This entry will be dedicated to all of the "stuff" that didn't make it to the cutting room floor, meaning it was not able to be candy coated for you lovely subscribers at home. - Some guy next to me just farted...no joke, but not to worry, we have grown to accept the farts, groans, coughs, snores, hacks, spits, stares, grunts, burps (smelly ones too), smells, snarls, urinations and defecations in public, and many, many more disgusting human attributes. Let us explain...

Wow, India, what an interesting country. We've spoke of beautiful people and magical lanscapes everywhere, which is very true, but we have not let you in on a few secrets of daily life ( at least in our experiences). We must let you know that what we talk about in this blog is COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY OUR OWN EXPERIENCES, we are not stereotyping or generalizing, it is just our own accounts of our month in India( mixed in of course, with some serious sarcasm, exaggeration and fabrication, for your pleasure). Please feel free to laugh at anytime as this is supposed to be funny...o.k? Like ha ha ha , that is so funny!

Did you know that the entire country of India works on commision? We thought that everyone just wanted to be our friend. Sure, sure. India is absolutely exausting. We have travelled thousands of miles in the past month on all kinds of contraptions: the infamous "Indian helicopter", not really a helicopter but a busted- ass bike that was somehow able to carry our fat asses, trains ( we will get to the horror of these monsters in a short bit), nasty, disgusting, bed-bug ridden so-called "sleeper buses" that were so horrific, flithy, bumpy and trecherous that even Brad could not get to sleep. In fact, he actually compares these so-called sleeper buses to a carnival ride gone wrong in which the alcoholic, crack- head carni worker has just smoked a ton of crack and thinks it would be funny to scare the shit out of everyone by speeding up the ride while throwing garbage at your face and peeing on your luggage, all while you are doing 360's and puking on yourself in the dead of night...O.k., what a run on sentence, but there's more...rickshaws...what a frickin' nightmare, but what a fun and exciting way to see a city( I mean you get a close-up view of others, like 1cm away if you are lucky, and get to breathe in all of the fumes from the leaded petrol, smog, and urinating people), and get to race through huge 6 way intersections at full throttle, mind you with NO traffic signals anywhere! Oh, what a gas...no punn intended. Gees we are hilarious. Oh, and we almost forgot, the most simple form of transportation, walking. Forget about it, it won't happen. You will either be eaten alive by panhandlers, stepped on by feces infested cows, spit on by Paan addicted locals, invited to millions of "shops", asphixiated by the stench of urine and whatever, run over by every thing that moves in the city, including the countless number of rabid looking dogs. Oh, and there are no streets signs anywhere. Walking in not the best option. You are so drained from walking only a few hunderd metres that you want to curl up in fetal postion, suck your thumb, and "think of a happy place". Mamma, Mamma is that you? Toto we are not in Kansas anymore...no shit.

Due to all of the confusion and frustration we have encounted, we have compiled a set of
unofficial rules in which we recommend to all travelling to India

Sam and Brad's "Ennai Taniyaaka Irukkavitu" Rules of Survival in India
#1- No, it is not your first time in India.
#2-Create a fake identity plan. Make sure to include a alias. The most irrating and ridiculously redundant questions you will ever hear in your entire life you will hear while in India. They are: Where you from?, pronounced as a yell "Country from?", and What is your name, ALWAYS pronounced as "Name?, or Name you?" To keep sanity and life enjoyable, we recommend using different names everytime, and countries such as Mespotamia, Zimbabwe, Antartica( we know it's a continent, but it works), and any onther weird country that will throw their usual response off guard....For example if you respond with Canada, they say " Canada is #1", or likewise with any other common country. So say something like Namibia and they are temperaraly dumbfounded so you can make a quick getaway!
#3 You do not speak English. Just shrug your shoulders, smile and say " soori, noo speakkee engllissh" it really works, and is an incredibly effective tool.
# 4 Never believe anyone. It sounds cruel, but it will save your hours of precious time. For example, do not believe anyone if they tell you any of the following ridiculous things: that the hotel has burned down, it is full, or your reservation was cancelled. My friends place is better. The owner of that hotel poisoned some guests last week and they died. Sure I will take you there she is my close family friend ( this is a lie...they will take you somewhere else and try to force you to stay there...Horrible rickshaw Mafia) That hotel is far outside the city (We actually heard all of these ridiculous things!). You cannot purchase train tickets from the train station, you must purchase them at a tourist travel agency, and you are in luck because my uncle works there...lucky you! ( BULLSHIZER!). We actually fell for that one. This is a great trick. At the train station, a guy disguised as a train station employee approached us as we entered and told us the bad news, that we could not buy tickets here, but we were in luck because he would hail a rickshaw for us that would take us to the place where we could buy the tickets. We didn't stand a chance against this professional hussler. We finally caught on after we arrived at the tourist shop. The guy actually pretended to call and try to make train reservations for us, he looked somber as he hung up the phone " I'm sorry, all of the trains to Jaisalmer are booked solid for the next month, and so are all of the hotels. It is busy season, did you know that? Also, Elton John is going there, so all of his fans are booking everything up as well". This a-hole actually said all of this to us! Who on earth does he think we are...Americans? We tried to leave but his friend stood in the doorway and blocked our exit, as he claimed" You are in luck my friends because I have a minvan and driver you can rent for only $500.00 US dollars!" We bolted and they cursed us the entire way out! We went straight back to the train station, silently gave the Faux train employee the finger, and easily bought our tickets...for 6.00 US dollars. Note to self: The train station is the most logical place to purchase a TRAIN ticket. Husslers =1
vs. Sam and Brad =0
#5 No one really wants to be your friend. Sorry to tell you, but it's true.
#6 Always carry small bills, as there seems to be a natioanl shortage of small change.
#7 "Best Price" is NEVER the best price, and "fixed price" doesn't really exist. Don't fall for the "looking is for free", we just reply "so is saying no".
#8 Beware of the children, they are the BEST husslers and will follow you for miles screaming "photo money, photo money!!!!!!!!!!!!!", if you dare to take a picture of them. Don't be fooled by their cute faces. If they come up to you and try to hand you something...run because they will make you pay for it if you accept it. Damn, those little buggers are cute and soooo good!
#9 Always set price before doing anything, even going poop or pee.
#10 Bring toilet paper. they do noy use it here, I promise. Instead they use their left hand...seriously. All toilets are the "stand up-pee and poo on your leg if you are a girl-type", and are so gross I don't even know where to begin. I will neve learn how to poo standing up.
#11 Do not let anyone clean you ears...unless you are seriously delusional. They will try relentlessly, even coming up to you and grabbing a hold of your dear earlobe shreiking" your ears are soo dirty!"

A couple of other things that we would like to add: Pizza should never, ever, ever, ever, be made with curry, if so, dire consequences should follow. Advertising that you have "Italian style pizza's" made my heart skip a beat...until I tasted it...shame on you. First you raise poor travelers hopes up, then send them crashing to hell with your curry pizza..I hate you.

Hot shower does not exist. Brad loves lamp. By the way people we are Sam and Brad...not A.T.M...got it? So "Ennai Taniyaaka Irukkavitu"!!!!! A.k.a. Leave us alone!!! (In Hindi). Brad's new favorite word is Necessary? Got it?... As in "are all those freaking horns really NECESSARY!!!!!????"
Oh, we almost forgot...Back to the train situation. I realize that this is a very, very long blog, but to best describe our train situation I have decided to quote a few pages from my journal...word for word, bleeping out the very bad words, so here goes :

November 25, 2006 Thanksgiving day
" I have never, ever in my life heard such loud and obnoxious snoring. It is only 6:30 p.m and we are on the train to Mumbai. We left at 11:30 a.m. Not only do the people in our bunk have the worst B.O. I have ever smelled ( so bad it's gag worthy), the man is sleeping in Brads bunk...at 6:30 at night, and is snoring so bad I can't even here myself think. I cannot remember a time that I was truly this irritaed, my skin is crawling and I am this close to punching him in his loud, B.O. face. O.k., O.K...I know, but seriously. How could his wife allow this to continue? The absolute worst thing ever! And to add fire to the flame, I was just informed that our little train is running 4 hours late. WWWWOOOPPPPPEEDY DOOOO!!!!! I can barely write, all I can think about is screaming bloody murder in his ear to SHUT THYE F$*K UP, I mean it, it's completely out of control. Everyone on the train is staring at us, they are pissed too! actually I heard a man complaining to the conducter about it, he's pissed and everyone feels bad for us. Oh well, 28 hours to go, What a freakin nightmare".
Mind you people, that while you were feasting on turkey, mashed potato's and treats, we were on the train to Hell. Also, another lovely thing we have learned to appreciate is cockroaches. We are happy to see them and welcome them into our luggage, rooms and train cars. Usually if there is an abundace( like 1000's of them), there seems to be a lack of bed bugs. Bed bugs bite, cockroaches do not. Bring on the cockroaches please!
Love from the wonderful minds of Sam and Brad!
P.S. We wrote a song about it, wanna hear it, here it goes...
Come see my shop Madame,
Madame my shop
Madame my shop
Looking is for free Madame in my shop
My shop my shop my shop
Madame my shop
My friends shop
Madame my friends shop
Everybody has a shop
Looking is for free at everybodies shop
Country from Madame ?
my shop
Name Madame?
my shop
Nice things Madame, my shop
My shop my shop my shop.

We'll sing it to you later, but for now, use your imagination. Just pretend the voice is like nails on a chalkboard and you will love it!
Thanks for being so attentive and patient

-Mikey Song, take this blog seriously if you plan on surviving India. Make sure you do not get confused with the Indian head wobble. Everyone does it and it is confusing and frustrating because it can mean a number of things including: yes, no, I don't know, maybe, what are you talking about?, wanna see my shop?, and so on...seriously. You'll see, then you will laugh your ass off cause' you'll understand. Beware of the cows, their frisky and told us they were interested in seeing the "Brown eye". They are waiting for you Mikey Song. With bells on...